five by five here, b, living entirely large

pop quiz: how are your new year's resolutions going?

a few months ago, i set forth some of my resolutions for public observation. given that we're over three months in now, and given that the number one issue with new year's resolutions is that we tend to immediately forget about them, i thought i'd take this opportunity to be self-critical in a public forum and see how mine are working out.

i'll be going about this via my absolute least favorite of feedback tactics: the oreo cookie method. (as someone said at a tri-state session, "even if you don't know what it is, someone's probably used it on you." gross.)

one: i will (continue to) pay more attention to my physical wellbeing. waking up and going to bed at vaguely reasonable hours, exercising (read: walking around squirrel hill instead of driving), flossing. not difficult. four years of acting like i'm indestructible is probably enough.

i'm pretty pleased with this one, actually. the bedtime/wake-up hours, the flossing, the walking more -- plus yoga, and running around after/restraining/lifting small children. muscles. and, since i have an actual schedule during the day, i've been eating at regular times. gold star. downside: daycare = disease. i've been sick, on some level, since i started. the first week of february.

two: i will read more, and more often. for pleasure, i mean. this doesn't count textbooks and news and things i read to edit. if you're wondering, i'm going to reread house of leaves, followed by the subtle knife, and then... we'll see.

oh my. yes, i've been busy, and yes, i did read those first two. but, again with the vague directions leading to me just sort of abdicating responsibility. just because i enjoy reading doesn't mean it should be put off completely. this is the same logic that created struggles with english homework in high school. i always did chem or precalc first because they were awful and felt more like suffering (and, therefore, productivity), and then i'd run out of homework time (or fall asleep) and have to improvise in class when discussing the plot of... i don't know... what did we read in high school? MY POINT. i shall redouble my efforts. list to appear soon.

three: i will write more. or create more, or something. translation, painting, whatever. i think part of the reason college has been such a torturous experience is that i've been desperately trying to play academic for the past four years, and i truthfully just don't enjoy it that much. i'm a writer. i've been a writer. i will be a writer. granted, writers tend to be really exquisite liars (and by that i mean we're all in denial), but by not doing what i know i'm supposed to be doing, i've allowed my capacity for writing to atrophy. it's much more difficult now than it was two years ago, let alone four, let alone six. the backsliding stops here.

i still get lazy. i haven't written here in a while because Real Life is happening in full force, and sometimes it's hard to find time, or an internet connection. but, at very least, i've been diligent about keeping a writing utensil in hand. even if i'm not writing an epic novel or a collection of sordid pseudo-autobiographical short stories featuring warped versions of everyone i know (and don't think it won't happen someday), i make sure to embrace any bursts of inspiration. spending upwards of eight hours a week sitting in coffee shops helps. if nothing else, i'm confident in my progress.

not terribly shabby, if not fantastically excellent. i'll take it.

right. here's the question: if i am fulfilling my responsibilities to myself, my family, and the community, and also doing what is well-suited to my abilities, and living a productive and just life, and drawing on the linguistic stylings of plato, does not the universe, then, have some obligation to respond in turn? obviously not, but i like to imagine a reality in which it does.

so, 2009, here's the deal. i'm working and taking care of myself and embracing the positive. i'd like a little something in return. maybe we're just getting all the bad and crazy out of the way early so the rest of the year can be smooth sailing. but it's a little much. and don't think i don't appreciate the good things that have gone on this year so far -- i truly do, and there have been plenty. it's just hard to maintain a sense of perspective when all the tests present themselves at once. i'd like it if we could meet halfway on this. i'll keep up my end of the arrangement, and you just consider easing up on the havoc-wreaking. please. love, susan.